She got me...

Me, to the kiddos while driving: "The NEXT PERSON who asks me if we're going to the Disney Store is going straight home and to bed for the rest of the day!!!!"

Wife: "Hey Erik, are we going to the Disney Store???"

Gotta play by the rules

Me: "OK, we're playing the Quiet Game 'til we get to the store!"

Madeline: "What's the Quiet Game?"

Me: "You're out!"

In this house, we take "safe pooping" VERY seriously!

With a baseball bat!

*Sigh* - The moment all parents fear... we dread this day unlike any other. Weddings, graduations, first dates, first ride on a bike, etc. None compare to this. 

Yes, my kiddos finally discovered "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" and are singing it ad nauseum.

Spelling bee

Me: Rachael, how do you spell "Rachael"?
Rachael: "R-a-c-h-a-e-l"
Me: Good! How do you spell "Ryan"?
Rachael: "R-y-a-n"
Me: Good! How do you spell "Erik"?
Rachael: "D-a-d-d-y"
Me: Awwwww... how do you spell "Michelle"?
Rachael: I don't know. Is that Mommy?

Hitchcock would've been proud...

Birds had built a nest on a wreath on our front door. I disposed of that nest late last night (don't worry, animal lovers, it wasn't completed and no eggs). 

This morning, my car was subject to their method of revenge. And, I swear, they all must've gorged on Mexican food beforehand.

My kids WILL be cool... oh, yes

Not sure I was using the right-sized club

Saturday!

Beautiful weather... bike is washed, car is washed... it's noon... and I'm sitting in a theatre with Madeline watching "Diary of a Wimpy Kid 21". Meh. Could be worse... the wife is with the other two at The Wiggles show. 

Maybe I did get the better deal here.

Best. School. Pic. Ever.

When ya get that snack cravin'...

I didn't feel like going, so Michelle sent our 8-year old Pug to the convenience store with a $5 bill and a note pinned to her collar that said "Fritos". 

Hope she makes it back here.

Explaining the whole "Mom/Dad ARE actually Santa" chat

Madeline: "Tell me more secrets, dad."

Me: "Ok. Daddy only works two days a year... that's why he disappears around Christmas time."

Planning to plan

Me: "Madeline, I need you to take your bike into the garage, please."

Madeline: "No, not right now."

Me: "Are we going to need to have another whiteboard session on 'hierarchy'??"

Madeline: "You're weird."

Me: "I'll get the markers."

I don't think so

Dear random mom at Target: The reason your teen rolled their eyes at you and scoffed had 100% to do with them not understanding your "Homey don't play that" reference.

Doin' time

Madeline: "Dad, were you ever in jail?"

Me: "Um..."

Madeline: "Uh-oh. What'd you do?"

Me: "Um... you'll know the difference between 'accused' and 'convicted' one of these days."

Yes!

"Spa Day" for the wife! A whole day of college football, lounging on the couch, eating whatever I want, and just enjoying the peace and... oh, wait...

I have three children.

Nevermind. 

(***HEY! Anyone want three children for a day? I pay well.)

Worth a try, Part 2

Madeline: "Dad, I want Chinese food."
Me: "Do you remember where the place is?"
Madeline: "Yep, it's in Giant."
Me: "Do you remember the turns on the way there?"
Madeline: "I think so. Turn over by the library to the left."
Me: "Yep. Then turn right into the parking lot."
Wife: "You're not thinking about letting her drive, are you????"

*Silence*

Wife: "ARE YOU????"
Me: "Fine... I'll go."

Sobering. Every stinkin' year... sobering.

Youth

Madeline: "Dad, if you could live something over, what would it be?"

Me: "College. Definitely. I would've taken it more seriously... and not used a Big Chief tablet and Mortimer Marker to take notes." (Yes, I have proof.)

(And they thank God, too for the very same thing!)

Every single day I wake up, look in the mirror, thank God for my wonderful kids... and spend the next hour thanking Him that they all took their looks from their mother. 

Ho Ho Ho!

Annual tradition of Santa riding through the neighborhood on a fire truck just occurred. This year, I threw a water balloon and got 'em full bore right in the chest. Maybe that would've gone over better if it hadn't been 20 degrees outside.

My son, the perv

In preschool today, the kiddos were supposed to draw the number of circles in the snowman's body which corresponded to the number in the broom. This is Ryan's. When you see it, you'll know. 

Work

You know you're tired of doing training assessments when you start filling in answer blanks with "Your mama".

Belieber???

Madeline: "Mommy, do you think Justin Bieber is cute?"

Mommy: *Looks at dad with that "oh, crap" look I've grown accustomed to since having children. 

Dad: "Can we keep her out of school for a week or so? Have her watch old John Wayne movies?"

Mental pic... does it every time!

Thought for the Day: If former Congressman Anthony Weiner ever ran for President and chose Attorney General Eric Holder as his VP - We'd have the BEST CAMPAIGN BUMPER STICKER EVER!

Politics

Me: "Other than Health Care, Afghanistan/Iraq, the National Debt, Israel, Gay Marriage, Gun Control, Religion, Immigration, Iran, Education, and Benghazi... I think America seems more unified today than ever."

Michelle: "I'm going in the other room."

Honesty in History, Part 1

Madeline: "Dad, who's that REALLY ugly lady in this picture?"

Me: "Benjamin Franklin."

Why stuff needs to be labeled!

Nobody told me the cookie on the counter was a home economics project. I just ate my daughter's homework.

Thanks to Rosetta Stone...

...I'm now able to communicate with my relatives in Georgia.

Sorry folks... park's closed.

The moose out front should've told ya!

Funny funny fat man

One of those "we're selling leftover meat from our van" sales guys came by... trying to think quickly to give him the brush-off, I told him I was a vegetarian. 

He's been outside, rolling around in my yard laughing for the last hour.

I'm a "glass is half-full" kind of guy

Bad news: I coughed-up about 5 pounds of icky stuff, and was up most of the night. 

Good news: I've lost 5 pounds!!!

10 years. Wait, you'll see.

Oh, yes. This will be me. Indeed it will.

You know the look

A sick wife, a sick kiddo, and two rambunctious twins to deal with. The second I start complaining, my wife gives me that "Welcome to MY World, Smartass" look

Packing tips

Going through tons of boxes in the basement... you can always easily tell Michelle's description from mine.

Note to self

Got the bicycle out for the first time in awhile. Rode through the neighborhood once... when I came back through, tons of kids were outside watching. I asked what they were all looking for, one said "Mom said there was a circus bear riding through the streets." 

(True story.)

Wisdom comes in all shapes/sizes

I overheard this today in a local retail clothing establishment:

Daughter (approx. age of 8-10): "Mom, can I get this... please?"

Mom: "Oh, wow... no. No chance."

Daughter: "Oh, c'mon! Why not?"

Mom: "Because you're not a hooker."

Woof! Huh?

Me: "Why does our 14-year old dog stand there and bark at the wall for hours at a time???"

Wife: "You'll do the same when you're 80."

Ay Carumba!

Since my hearing has apparently gone to pot and I cannot tell the difference between "sweetie" and "sweet tea", I got in trouble tonight at the local Mexican restaurant.

He's already doing better than I ever will... and he's only 5.

My 5-year-old son just got a postcard in the mail asking him to come to a "prospective member" meeting at the Hershey Country Club this weekend. 

I think I'll take him just to see the look on the clerk's face when we sign in. 

(Who knows? Maybe if Ryan gets in, we'll all be able to use their facilities. Maybe they have a "Riff-Raff Only" pool.)

Oh, that Gru!

One of the annoying side effects of seeing movies like "Despicable Me 2" is that I now run around, pointing a fake gun at people and yell "Freeze Ray!"

You would've done it, too!

Went up to the guy behind the counter and asked, "Well, ok... how much ya want for it?" 

Felt weird to be cursed at in another language.

Trimmers... invented for a reason

Good: I was told I looked like someone famous today.

Bad: This guy.

Quickies

"Woke up and thought, "You know, I'll go outside for a bit, enjoy the fresh air, and reflect on blessings." Good thing the farmer next door was spreading manure."

"Yay. Three hyped-up, giggling, sugar-rushed 8-year old girls are here for a sleepover (plus the twins). Can someone call my cell phone in about 30 minutes, with an "emergency"? (I'll pay handsomely.)"

----------

Temperature dropped because of a small rain system moving through. Here's how I picture it being discussed in two different parts of the country:

PA: "Wow, temperature just dropped 15 degrees... it's in the mid-80s now. Still rather warm."

TX: "Wow, temperature just dropped to 85. Winter's here, folks."

Family dogs... gotta love 'em

"The sleek black pug in the wild... biding its time until the children become tired."

True... true...

Two conditions that warrant someone's unconditional devotion: 
1. Save their life.
2. Help them move a pillow top mattress.

80s culture

Wore this today at a huge mall outside Philly. I kept count of the comments it received:

"Cool! They're from 'Wreck it Ralph'!" -- 4

"Dude, Pac-Man! I remember that! Wocka wocka wocka wocka..." -- 7

"Sweet. Nice mix of 80s video game culture with the Beatles." -- 1 (she was 17 and worked at an Apple store... seriously)

She has me on this one...

Wife: "Your getting a lot of grey in your beard. We need to get you that 'Just for Men' stuff."

Me: "I'm gonna let it keep growing for awhile. And that was mean."

Wife: "How long are you going to let it get?"

Me: "Think ZZTop."

Wife: "Think no sex life."

We take trespassing seriously in these here parts!

Madeline: It says "Violators will be persecuted."

Me: "Prosecuted", sweetie. Big difference.

Jolly old elf needs rest, too!

"Down 50 lbs since Christmas, and enjoying a break before toy season starts, Santa indulges in a Frosty."

Why I'm not allowed in most restaurants

Waitress: "My name's Jess if you need anything."

Me: "What's your name if we don't need anything?"

Wife: "Just ignore him."

It was worth a try...

Ryan: "Daddy, can I mow the lawn today?"

Me: "Sure. Knock yourself out."

Wife: "Erik, he's five."

Me: "Don't worry, I'll put the gas in it."

B2S!!!

Madeline: "Dad, I'm not really ready to go back to school yet."

Me: "I know your mom's ready for it."

Madeline: "Where is she? I haven't seen her in an hour."

Me: "Celebrating."

First day funnies

Great. 

Already got on the wrong side of Madeline's new teacher. She sent an email titled "First Day Excitement", I read it as "First Day Excrement" and called to give her heck about it.


(**Mental note: Eye doc sometime this week.)

Thanks, Bill Watterson!

Rachael got a pretty decent boo-boo on her scalp tonight... while we were cleaning/doctoring it tonight, here was the conversation:

Rachael: "What is that?"

Wife: "It's just a cotton swab with some peroxide, it won't hurt."

Rachael: "OK, what is that?"

Wife: "It's just a band-aid, sweetie, it won't hurt."

Rachael: "OK, what is that thing?"

Me: "It's a cattle prod. It hurts a little less than a branding iron."

Wife: "You! Outside!!!"

Wax on, wax off...

Me: "Ryan starts karate tonight. In preparation, I have him outside waxing the car."

Michelle: "Huh? I don't get it."

Me: "Too bad we don't have a deck and our fence is already painted."

Michelle: "You lost me."

I got smacked on the head for this one... but it was worth it!

Madeline: "Dad, you didn't want us to get a cat?"

Me: "Not really. But I was outvoted."

Madeline: "You don't like cats?"

Me: "Sure... they're delicious."

Take heed, teens...

You would've done it, too...

**Today, in a restaurant during the lunch hour:

Lady (obviously looking for her kid): "Marco?"

"Marco?"

"Marco!!!"

Me: "Polo?"

Lady: "You're not helping!"

When you need quick resources, ya gotta be resourceful!

Rachael: "Mommy lets us have a snack after Madeline gets back from school."

Me: "Mmmkay. What do you want?"

Rachael: "Mommy gives us ice cream."

Me: "Uh-uh. Gotta earn that."

Rachael: "How?"

Me: "How are you with drywall?"

When your sanity reaches the breaking point...

Soooooo... anyone on Facebook want three kids for a few days? My Craigslist ad keeps getting flagged.

Sleepovers, the bane of my existence

Madeline: "Can Ryleigh come over? Please? Please?"

Me: "What did your mom say?"

Madeline: "She said no. But, I have nothing to do!"

Me: "You have a whole roomful of "nothing to do", and it was expensive."

*Two minutes pass*

Madeline: "Daaaaad... can Ryleigh come over???"

(Thanks, Tim Hawkins!)

Bad news: I washed a red shirt with a bunch of whites. 

Good news: Our bath towels are promoting breast cancer awareness.

Bravery, husband-style!

Wife: "Did the laundry, bathed the kiddos, fed the dogs, ran the garbage outside... whew... what would you do without me?"

Me: "Remarry as quickly as possible!!!"

(*** By the way, has anyone seen Michelle since 9PM yesterday?)

Paint fence, Daniel-San!

Mom at karate: "I can't understand why my kid does not pay attention and is so spastic during karate."

Me: "Maybe it's the Mt Dew and pint of Ben 'n Jerry's you fed her beforehand."

(I really, really, REALLY wish I was kidding.)

Crappy Halloween, everyone!

Neighbor's teenage son: "I have NO IDEA what to dress up as for Halloween."

Me: "Easy. Go as an iPhone. That way, all the teenage girls will stare at you all night long."

ZZ Pop!

"Hey, Erik... are you doing the whole "No Shave November" thing?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"This would happen."

Wallets... only meant to hold cash for a VERY short amount of time.

Madeline: "Dad, will you take me to the Disney Store today?"

Me: "Maybe. Do you have $$$$?"

Madeline: "Yep."

Me: "Will you buy me something as well? That's my fee."

Madeline: "You're crazy, dad."

Me: "I know. And keep in mind, you're from MY gene pool."

Roll Tide?

Me: "That guy on Alabama's team is named HaHa Clinton-Dix."

Michelle: "His name is HaHa?"

Me: "Yep."

Michelle: "I have a friend named Ha."

Me: "Well, he's HaHa."

Michelle: "Huh?"

Me: "HaHa."

Michelle: "Huh?"

Me: "Nevermind."

(She's right... again, the wife is right.)

Michelle: "The kids have been playing quietly for awhile upstairs. I know how to get them downstairs, quickly."

Me: "How's that?"

Michelle: "I'll sit on the couch and turn on something I want to watch."

Welcome!

Over the past few years, I've had some VERY interesting (well, almost surreal) conversations with my children and wife. And yes, sometimes the pug joins in.

This will pay tribute to life's little gems we tend to overlook in daily conversation.

Enjoy. Well, try to anyway!

(Note: Usually, I post these on Facebook... I'll add all of those here as soon as possible, to have a pseudo "archive".)